Isn't So Easy

This is something I really don't like to express a lot but it has been heavy on my heart lately. With the holiday season approaching, it's kind of tough on me. 

Back in July I made a decision. I made a decision to save all I could over a 3 week period to last me over 9 months. It sounds crazy but I was making over $1600 a month and that was more than enough to provide for my son and myself. So adding what I was able to, to what I already had saved was more than enough to last me 9 months. Before I made the decision to resign from this job and start school I first looked for advice. A close friend of mine told me, 'It's better to be broke now, for these couple of months and get my career on the road, than to overwork myself now working a job I don't know will be permanent.' She also added that 'It's better to be broke and be able to spend all the time now with my son, while he is young, rather than working a job that has me over tired and always so exhausted.' Once those words hit my ear I immediately knew this was the right decision. 

I dreaded going to work at 8 at night and knowing I won't be home until about 5 in the morning and only getting about an hour sleep before my son woke up and then being so tired that I didn't want to do anything other than count down the hours until he took a nap. And did that all week long. 

I also got advice from my main supervisor. Once I put in my 2 weeks he told me I was making the right decision because the job position I was in wasn't permanent and I most likely wouldn't advance in it. Along with him so many other workers pushed me to go to school when I knew I didn't know what I wanted to do nor did I have any desire to go back to school. 

One supervisor who stood out to me the most was a lady by the name of Young Kim, who I still keep in touch with to this day. I only had the privilege of working with her for about 4 months before she retired. The last day before she retired I gave her a card and she did in return. She gave me her number and told me to keep in touch. She was so encouraging and always told me I could be what ever I wanted. God had such a good plan for me and she wanted to push me. I told her about my idea about leaving work and going to school and she was so for it. She is probably the main reason why I made the decision to go to school. She sent me two very, very generous gifts that would help me along the way of this journey. Without her, there would be no way I would of been able to get this far. She encourages me everyday with text messages in the morning, evening and night and she never fails to forget.

Fast forward 5 and a half months later to where I am now, I have never felt the hardship of being so financially unstable. I had more than enough to last me 9 months but I can't seem to find where those funds have gone. Or maybe I do. Having to by gas every 5 days or so to travel back and forth to school, paying car insurance every month, credit card bill, phone bill and on top of taking care of my son on my own, these are very hard to meet every month. I have never been late on a bill that was in my control and I don't plan on being late at all. I help out at my church by cleaning and make a couple dollars every two weeks, which when that comes goes straight to a bill or gas money. I considered selling my truck so that I could make a little profit from it. Selling old toys and clothes of my son's which didn't work out so well. 

With Christmas only weeks away I want to go all out for my son, but every time I go to by something I look at my bank accounts and see I don't have the funds to do so. I try to keep in my mind that he isn't even two yet, he isn't going to remember this Christmas! Every time I see something that I know he will love, I feel like I have to get that for him. Something that made me realize he won't remember this Christmas, nor will it mean a lot to him is when I was in the store with him a couple weeks ago. I started picking up toys I thought he would like and asked him 'Do you want this toy?' Every single toy I picked up and asked him about he said 'No.' "No, Mommy', 'No, no.' That right there showed me this doesn't mean a lot to him. It means more to me than it is him. He doesn't have the advantages of a stable family and I feel like it's up to me to make up for that loss. It's my responsibility that he doesn't feel like he is missing out, because in all reality he isn't missing out on anything. 

I once saw a post that said something like this, 'Spend more time with your kids, not money.' Which is so true, Kye has the biggest smile when we do little things together than when I buy him a new car. That happiness only last a while until he mixes in his new car with the ones he already has. But spending time with him, making popcorn and going to watch a movie is going to stand out so much more to him. How do I know? Because in a store he will point to a car, I'll pick it up and buy it for him and he will play with it in the shopping cart for a little while until he throws it down. But yesterday, I made him some popcorn and when I gave him the bowl he points downstairs so that we can watch a movie. We go downstairs and he wiggles his little butt onto the couch and while we are watching the movie I ask him 'Do you like this movie?' and he looks at me smiles and nods his head. That excitement to go downstairs with Mommy and spend time together, I saw meant so much more to him, rather than getting a new toy that isn't so new after the first use. 

I let happiness over rule in my life because happiness can come from any where. Happiness is free! Happiness is something that only you can control. Money, not so much. Money is spending time away from my son. Money is struggling to meet bills every month. Money is frustration and not worth it. 

Through these next 3 to 4 months of no income, I'm focusing on the little things. That smile on Kye's face, that laughter that comes from him and the hug and kisses I get paid with for all my hard work of being a single parent. No amount of money is worth the happiness I get out of being a mother. 

I struggle to get through times where I see my needle on the dashboard slowly move from half a tank to E, when that light comes on telling me you need money, you need more. I struggle when I see something I want to by my son for Christmas, knowing there is no way I can afford it. However, I know what I am doing right now is so important. I'm getting my life on the road and I'm doing it early in Kye's life so that he won't have to witness this struggle when he gets older. 

I'm making it, one prayer at a time. 

I am not the one to ask anyone for money just because and even in times like this I can't just ask my family for money. I don't have it in me to do that. I rather get through it myself and know that I was able to make it out. This struggle will only last a little longer. In a couple months, I'll have a certification in Medical Assistant and I'll have experience in the work field and I'll be on my way!

Life isn't easy, but with God, He is guiding me every step of the way. With out Him I would be so lost right now during these times, but I have so much faith that He will provide for me, like He has for these past 21 months of raising Kye on my own. God will be at my side for the rest of my life guiding me through every obstacle life has. I know I will be alright, God won't let me fall, I know that for a fact. 

Just expressing this struggle has opened my eyes that it's not all about money, it's about the people in my life, my son, who are depending on me for survival. Depressing over something this small is not benefiting him and being sad about it isn't going to make it better. 

Prayer, that's the only thing that will work. Prayer that God will keep providing for me, that He will keep blessing me, day after day. And thanking Him for what is yet to come, what He has blessed me with. 

It's the little things in life that matter to me! I'm enjoying them more than ever. My decision to resign from work and start school was a huge blessing, because I am now living a life focusing on what really matters. My whole mind set has changed. It's not a competition to compete with the people who have more than me. It's about knowing I am doing my best for my son, the one who really matters.

'The money lover isn't satisfied with money; neither is the lover of wealth satisfied with income. This too is pointless.' Ecclesiastes 5:10