Where Have I Allowed Myself To Go?

Wow! 

I haven't written forever and I pray I can get back to writing more because what that did for me was incredible. That was my quiet time where I could draw away from all the worries in life and just focus on God and what He has done for me. 

This past year or so has been such a struggle for me. Marriage is HARD! I always knew it would be hard but not this hard! It got even harder when I drew away from God. I thought I could do this on my own when obviously this is a precious gift from God and why would I ever think I could do this on my own. I've struggled so much with balancing everything in my life. I've also struggled throughout this pregnancy. I have never been so emotional in my life. I feel like I lost all control over everything that was in order in my life. And I know the exact reason why. It has nothing to do with pregnancy or hormones. It has to do with my faith. I never denied to anyone or myself that I'm not struggling with my faith. I know for a fact I am not where I need to be in my faith. It's that simple to get back into The Word and focus on what really matters: God. 

I just figured I'd read a couple of my post from the past and I was brought back to over 2 years ago where I was at my peak! Wow! Reading that was really hard. I was on fire for God. On fire for life and what it had to offer! Life was amazing. Everything was under control. Stepping back, and looking at life now...it's a mess! I started to take control. I started to make my own decision over God and my life is a complete mess! I struggle with every aspect of my life: being a wife, a mother and a Christian altogether. I struggle so hard because I try to fix everything myself. 

Looking back at that post and looking at life now, I'm starting to appreciate that time out I gave myself every day to stop and listen to God. I was able to love! Loving has become very hard lately. It's hard for me to show unconditional love to the people who matter the most because my struggles and worries seem to be more important. 

Falling back into God's arms and experiencing His love first hand is where I will find that unconditional love to show others. 

I'm about to welcome my second son into this world any day now and honestly I couldn't be more disappointed in who I am today. I don't want to be the person I have been when my son enters this life. I know this can be changed in the blink of an eye if I just start to trust God again! It's that simple, yet I make it extremely hard for myself. 

God is so incredible and so awesome, I have no room to try and step in the way of His work! I stepped in the way of my parenting, my marriage, my past jobs and every other aspect in life and it's all crap now. 

I need to learn how to love God again, first and foremost. I need to understand His love for me and then I can fall back in love with my husband, with my son and with this life that God has given me a second chance at. 

'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.' Philippians 4:13

That's as real as it gets and I will fall back on that with every struggle I think I might have!