Learning More and More Each Day.

I am finally learning to adjust to my new job. Waking up at 5 in the morning and God willing, Kye wants to nap when I get off at 1 then I can get some shut eye. The only thing about that is Kye goes to sleep at 7:30, so it's like I don't have that much time with him anymore. It sucks not seeing him until I get my 40 minute break at ten and then not seeing him until I get off work. Today was the worse. I got to see Kye before I left because he decided he wanted to wake up at around 5:50, just in time for mommy to leave. :( He was asleep when I got off of work at 1. And he slept until 4 o'clock! Which meant I only got to spend about 3 and a half hours with him.
I sometimes feel that me working Monday through Friday 6-1 that he will forget me. He is with his Grandma that whole time, just her and I fret that he might see her as his mom. I don't know if that is just me being silly but that's how I feel sometimes. It feels great though when he is awake when I get home, as soon as he sees me he has the biggest smile and reaches out to me. That makes me feel some what better about the whole situation. That's why I want to make every weekend special. Just me and him doing something that he will enjoy. Then again I know he will always know that I'm 'Mama' because I am still nursing him and he finds a comfort in that. In the end I am doing what I have to do so that I can support my son and myself. And one day hopefully move on to bigger and better things, like our own place!
Today I took Kye over to an old friend's house who also has a baby. They are only about 3 months apart. It's so nice to see what her son is doing and looking forward to Kye doing those same things in a couple of months. Her son is crawling and picking him self up and holding on to the couch. I honestly can't even picture Kye doing that but I know he will some day. It was so cute how they interacted. Kye really isn't around babies that often, rarely. So it's nice to see that every now and then.
Lately Kye has been getting too loud in church! He loves to scream and whine alot now. I was hoping he wouldn't do that a lot in church but now he is. I am very timid about leaving him in the nursery. I know the ladies that are in there but I just hate not being around him. I just wish he knew when he needed! to be quiet. But I know this is an important time in his life that he needs to be vocal so that he can learn how to talk. One of these Sundays I'll have it in me to bring him to the nursery. I overheard the director of the nursery saying that they need more people to help out with the babies. It kind of started me thinking that maybe this is a way for me to be able to be with Kye, but I have been recently growong in my faith in God and I really like to listen to the message during the service. I am stuck in the middle of what I want to do!! I hope I have it in me to make the right choice and accept that I need to do what is right for my self and also out of respect for the other people who actually want to listen to the pastor during service!

Another thing that has changed a lot in my life lately is knowing that we are not promised tomorrow and I need to start living and acting like this might be my last day. Everytime my son's father comes over, I seem to get in an annoyed mood because most of the time that's what I am, annoyed with his father. But I need to stop showing him that he is controlling my attitude and how I feel when he is around. I should 'confuse' him. I am a happy person; I have no reason to be otherwise. I have my son, a house to live in, a job to support myself and son. Why should I ever feel the need to be a grump? I need to stop letting certain people control who I am. I am not the type of person that I seem to be when my son's father is around. So I need to stop it! :)
I was able to have a decent conversation with him today, via text, and he said somethings to me that honestly I thought he would never have the heart to say. He basically applauded me for what I am doing and that he believes I will do the right thing for Kye. I don't know how true those words were but just having him acknowledge it, made me feel good. I'm glad that he said it.

Over all, my life is great. I have nothing to complain about. I am getting by. I am doing what needs to be done. I am the happiest I have ever been.
I completely stopped with the thoughts of why can't I be happy with a relationship like some of the other people I know. I know that if God wants that to happen in my life he will send the right person. That was never a huge thing in my life after I had my son, but it was always in the back of my head. I think now though I am slowly giving that over to God. I am still young but now I have something way more important that a relationship with any other male other than my son. He is my proirity and he is the only one who I need to be completely focused on. Yes it would be nice to have my 'other half' but right now it is not what I NEED in life, it is just a want.
I feel like I have really come a long way these past 7 months since my son has been here. I have been through a lot, way more than I think any average 19 year old has been through and honestly I know I am not average. I am more than average and I am doing a wonderful job at what I am doing. I do not feel the need to have anyone's approval because at the end of the day I know what my responsbilities are and I know that I am getting them done. I feel so much better about myself and the choices that I am making in life and it doesn't get any better than that.


I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:13

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