My Life Within The Past Year

9/2/12

I've learned so much this past year. I have changed from an immature girl who didn't care where life was taking her, to a mother who will do anything to make her son's future the best. I fell in love and didn't even notice until it was too late. I lost the one person who I gave my all to but gain some one who will always need me. I cried more than I probably every have in my life between a mixture of good and bad; but mostly bad. I've learned I just have to take things how they are and stop trying to be in control of things. I've learned you are going to have heart breaks in life and some you just might never get over. 

Within the past year I am become a mother! One of the greatest things in my life. My pregnancy was far from what I would of ever wanted it to be. I imagine pregnancy being with the love of you life. Spending every moment with that person and experiences everything pregnancy has to give, with that person. It was the complete opposite. Arguing, being alone and having that one person you need there never being around. Missing them like crazy and knowing they don't even care about you or the situation. I know if I am ever wanting to have kids again I am going to make sure I know who the other person really is. I am not going to mess around with 'sex' until I know who I am with. Who he really is. I never want to experience such a wonderful time of pregnancy the way I did.

Within the past year I fell in love and didn't even notice. I spent such a great amount of time with one person who was the closet person to me. We had such a great time together. Always wanted to be together. But toward the end he started to drift away and I should of noticed that. I should of taken that as a hint but I didn't. I know now, and have known for the past couple months that I was in love and maybe far from not being in it anymore because of what I still feel. I can easily say when I have to be around him I don't feel what I use to feel but when he is gone, I miss him like crazy. I can hate him as much as I want but I don't think I will every stop loving him. People always ask me, "You still love him don't know?" My immediate answer is no. But come to think of it, how can I not love a person who is the father of my son, who I spent so much time with, who I care about so much, who I can not stop thinking about everything single day. My day revolves around constant thought of him and our past. Not a day goes by that I don't wish things were different. I wish I could understand why it is so hard for me to just forget. Why can't I have it as easy as him to just forget about what we had and move on with my life. One of the reasons why I think it's harder for me is because I have to wake up to a constant reminder of him. I wake up to a little face that looks just like him. I am with his son constantly and this is his absolute twin! This little boy brings me so much joy and happiness,  just like his father once did. I know what I have now, with my son, will never end the same way it did with his father. I believe that my son will always need me and I will always need him. I'm pretty sure I would not be as sane as I am if it weren't for my son. If things were how they are now with his father and my son wasn't here I really don't know where I would be in life. And to see how simple it is for his father to just want nothing to do with me, it kills me. Thank God I have my son to keep my 'in line'.

I've learned I can not and will not ever put all of my happiness, time and joy into one person (other than my son), because in a quick second that person can just up and leave out of fear or just because. It has always been hard for me to trust but now after what I have been through this year I believe it will be even harder to trust and be happy all together. 
I have learned to put everything in God's hand. I tried to control every situation but in the end it's obvious I don't have control over it, God knows the plan and I just need to let it happen. 

I really can't even finish this because I know all I want to talk about is the past and how I wish things were different. It kills me to even think about it, let alone talk about it.
Everything reminds me of you, literally everything because we did so much together. 
I hate how much you really don't even care.
I hate how much I over think this whole thing and I know it will never happen again.
I hate how my mind works.
I hate how much I don't trust that things will get better.

I have a whole lot to just leave in the past but that is the hardest thing for me to do.
I believe I am strong and I can get through this.
But in a way I don't want to let go of the past. 
=/

So with that said, I'm pretty much left with nothing but my son. Trust me that is the greatest thing in life but it gets lonely. 

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