Loneliness


       Every now and then I struggle with feeling very lonely. During my pregnancy when things started not turning out the way I wished they would for my son, I always told myself, 'This loneliness will go away when my son gets here because he will always need me.' Yes, this is true that he will always need me, until he gets of age to make his own decisions, but the loneliness part going away, not so much. I absolutely love the feeling of having a child of my own; him always wanting to be next to me, hugging me and kissing me, calling 'Maaa!' if I happen to walk two feet away from him! However, it still gets lonely. It gets really lonely when Kye is constantly whining, crying or he just seems so cranky. It gets lonely because it's so much on me! I'm only one person. Some times I know exactly what he wants and needs but some times it's just constant and everything I do doesn't seem to 'make him feel better.' That's when I feel like if I had the other hand around to help, maybe I could walk out of the room for a little and collect myself. Of course I have my parents around to help but I can't see myself doing that with them because my son isn't their responsibility. 

       When times get rough for me, I can't just call up a friend and ask if we could stop by just so I can clear my head. I'm not going to lie, it's tough being a single parent. Of course, it has its rewards but it also has it's times of confusion, frustration and sometimes that feeling that you just want to disappear for a while. When I feel these ways, which has been a lot lately, I try to just stop what I'm doing, thank God for Kye and ask for guidance and understanding that Kye has no other way to tell me what is wrong, if he is not using his words. I pray for patience! 

       As I was looking for a pick me up while reading today, I came across Isaiah 43:1-2.


'But now, this is what the Lord says—
    “Do not fear, for I will save you;
    I have called you by name; you are mine.
2 
When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;

    the hard trials that come 
        will not hurt you.'

       I guess I just need to remind myself that God is the greatest one to have in my life. I might not have friends or even one physical person to go to when I need to get away, but I have God. He is always there to listen to me, He will guide me and He will be a hand on my back when I just need to be pushed in certain situations. That to me sounds like the best friend some one could ever have. Some one who won't criticize you. Who will just listen and 'nod their head' in understanding. 

       When I feel lonely, I turn to God and pray. 

'I know you are with me and I pray for patience. I ask that you guide me through this difficult time and give me understanding. I thank you for everything that you have placed in front of me. I pray that this relationship I am building with You continues to grow, so I can get to know You more and become closer to You. You are everything that I need.'

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