90 to 10

So today I realized how annoying this 'phase' is that I seem to go through every couple of weeks. Where I can go for a long period of time not thinking about my ex at all and when I do it seems like its just all anger toward him. And then I go through this 'phase' where I miss him like crazy. I don't know what it is but it bugs the crap out of me. I really don't even understand where it comes from or why it happens but it sucks!

Today I just woke up so anxious on how things were going to go today when Kye's father came to see him. I didn't know if it was going to be awkward or simple or complicated. I really had no idea how it was going to be. But when he got here I thought it was going to be real quick. He was standing in front of me and all that ran through my head is: my son's father. But in the far far back of my head I was just thinking: I just want to go up to him and hug him and tell him I love him. Why? I have no idea. I wanted to say it to him, that was on the tip of my tongue just to say to him 'I just want to hug you.' I get to the point some times where I feel really lonely and for a long time he was the only one I really had. I went to him for everything. When I needed to clear my head it just seemed like I could go to him and everything would be ok, and now it's hard for me to except the fact that there's nothing there.

I understand some times that I am completely over him; that there are no more mutual feelings and that the only thing that is between us is our son. We don't share anything anymore but Kye. Yet, I still get in this mood every once in awhile were I miss him like crazy. 

It killed me just standing in front of him and not being able to hold him or talk to him like I use to. It's something really hard for me to deal with. For what seemed like such a long time, he was really my all. I gave in to him so much, I really loved him so much. I always wanted to be around him. It was the happiest I have ever been. I really feel like I will never get that feeling again. Ever. I feel like that is a once in a life time thing and 'I' ruined it by a temporary feeling one night. It sucks that I can really say that because I wouldn't change my son being here for the world, but I miss being 'happy' (in the sense of the relationship we shared in the past).

Please don't get me wrong. I love my son to death and I will do anything for him. He is my pride and joy and I am so happy God has placed him in my life. I wouldn't change his existences for anything. I love the responsibility that he requires. It makes me feel needed. Something that I struggled with probably my whole life. 

I took my son out today before we went out with my sister. I invited his father. Of course I did it for my son so he can be involved with his father, but I feel like I kind of did it for my self too. When I get in this 'phase' I try to hold back so much and just let things happen. I try not to do something I know I'm going to later regret. Like sending a text message or intentionally writing something on facebook or IG so that I know my ex will see it. I try to hold back so much and I have been doing so well at it. But today I feel like this wasn't just for me, but mostly for my son.

My son accomplished such a huge thing to me today. He's been trying to crawl for such a long time but he eventually just gets so frustrated and gives up. However! Today he kept on trying and he actually got it. He crawled a couple times and I was so happy. My sister was asleep, my parents were out and it was just me who saw it. I wanted to go around telling everyone what my son had accomplished. My ridiculous self ran across the street with Kye to my good neighbor and told her. "Kye just crawled!" I didn't know, should I tell his father. Is he going to care? Is he going to respond? Is he too busy? So I asked a good friend for his opinion and he just said "Just tell him!" So I did. I shot him a text, after I told him I wanted everything to be verbal. But I told him and he seemed really happy too. In that moment though, as parents, we were so happy for our son. I wish I could of just hugged his father and tell him I love him. I was really so happy. And in a way I couldn't share it with "my other half", if that makes sense. 

I understand that the bad between us two outweighs the good. Because there is no bad without the good and I need to really start to understand that. Remember all the bad that happened and that will make you forget this "feeling" you still have. There was so much good that we shared though. I don't know. 

I really don't know how to describe how I felt and how I'm feeling, other than to say it really sucks. 

I wish I could just get over the fact it's never going to happen again. 

90% of the time I am completely fine with it but it's that 10% that really kills me. It's such a small percent and a small time frame where I feel this way, but it's so huge! 

Every time he is around, I kind of feel a little lighter, a little happier. That is when his actions or the things he says doesn't piss me off. But I will always remember when I was pregnant and I gave him a second chance, my mom said to him 'You know, Christina seems a lot more happier when you're around.' And that is so true. He really did make me happy, for the most part he always did. Toward the end though, it got to the point where I would just get annoyed with him and just want to shut him out.

Who would of known a person who liked me for so long finally got his shot with me and it effected me so greatly. If I knew I would of felt this way about him, I would of given him a chance a long time ago. Maybe we would be together still. Being together for that long of a time? Ha, that would of be great. But I dwell too much in the past and what could have been. That's what gets me stuck in the moment and I need to remember, we are in the present, we are only in control from this moment on. What lies in the past is going to stay there. And nothing is ever going to change that. I miss him and that's that. In a week I'll probably just think all of this is silly. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll feel like this for now on. I don't know. All I do know is I'm going to post this some where in hope that he will read this. I don't know why I do this to my self. It's like  I'm crying out to him; I'm screaming for his attention. I'm being completely honest when I say that and I don't think I'll ever be able to explain why I feel this way. 

All I know is this is how I feel right now, and hopefully I wake up will a better mind set.